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三月， 心情复杂的一个月。。。

熟悉的陌生朋友们生日，2011年大学的大考，那种压力，有甜蜜有苦涩。。。

白色情人节，一直都没有特别庆祝的这个日子，谁知，多年后一个人的日子，故意申请放假，让自己的心灵沉淀些，别胡思乱想。。。

那么长的日子了，朋友们都劝我该放下，执着，并不会帮助些什么。。。

我还在坚持，坚持些什么呢？

偶尔，自己还会翻阅旧照片，当年的我们一大班朋友合照及庆祝，那是多么的开心。

那种感觉，再怎么寻觅，很难恢复原形。

拥有裂痕的容器，怎么修补，水还是会渗出来，慢慢的，流尽。。。

2012年白色情人节，我独自默默地祝福你。。。

感性

女孩都是感性的，会为了一首歌，一句话，而感动流泪。。。

曾经的我，为了歌曲的一句词，留下了眼泪。。。

电影的某些熟悉情节，内心起了一道涟漪。。。

当年某人的某句话，不断在脑海里回旋，久久无法忘怀。。。

理性里参杂着感性，是我的人生；犹如过山车般，有起有落。。。

2012新年

我拿了第25年的红包。虽然不懂还有多少年的资格拿红包，但应该不会在近几年结束我新年的一种幸福，哈哈。。。

农历新年的15天，我只获得几天的假期。除夕前一天的我，还在医院里忙着，直到凌晨；补眠4-5小时，早上趁天没亮赶快启程回家。过着和以往的新年行程，去向亲戚朋友拜年拿红包，吃团圆饭。

就连福建人最重视的初九拜天公，我也是在医院里忙着。听着连环放烟花的声音，我的心是多么地想与大家庆祝，哈哈。。。更难忘的事，我尽然第一次忙得一分钟的休息时间都没有，真是一个‘难忘’的初九。

元宵节，也是中国情人节，意味着农历新年的结束。当晚，我也是在医院度过。护士们问我有没有去投柑或庆祝，开玩笑的说单身寡人，没有人可以庆祝，而且当晚我也是值班。

相比于前几年的农历新年，2012龙年的新年，原来大多数我都在医院里度过。。。:-P

感慨。。。

有些时候，旧地重游，竟然发现场景没有改变，但很多事与物，已经事过境迁，心情又感慨了起来。。。

我爱享受于美好回忆当中，毕竟那些可以让我心情愉快；事实上，人生无常，凡事总有好有坏，想逃，也逃不了。。。

为何很多时候我们总在失去了，才会后悔？

为何我们明明拥有很多美好的事，却不想去珍惜，以为一切都是那么理所当然？

为何我们大费周章，只为了追求不可能的事物？

我迷失了自己。。。原来一直以来，我一直徘徊在十字路口，从来没有向前过。。。

心灵上的成长，永远追不上年龄框上的数目字。。。

无他，今晚我又失眠了。。。。

照片

照片，是勾起记忆最好的道具。。。

它不必任何言语，只要一张泛黄的照片，种种回忆涌上心头。。。

记忆能力有限的我，照片是人生最好的记事本。。。

喜欢照相，尤其到了新地点，纪念日，与心爱的人，无时无刻想把那一霎那用镜头给捕捉下来，不要让它从脑海中擦肩而过。。。

多年以后，就算记忆已模糊，照片中的自己是最好的见证。。。

那些年，我希望我是那位女孩 :P

上个星期六，终于看了我等了好久的《那些年，我们一起追的女孩》。

好久没那个追求新事物的感觉，遗留已久的疯狂感觉。。。

好多回忆慢慢涌起，青涩的童年，几年前的我。。。

我就像剧中的灣灣，永远是在沈佳仪身边的女生，很少人会注意。。。

很多男同学都只绕着漂亮的女同学；而我的初中高中生涯，就只是个书呆子。

毕业多年后，同学会的我，也只是坐在角落，听着班上的风云人物侃侃而谈；或者有时找个理由借故缺席。

**********************************************************************************

中五毕业后，来到异地继续学业，依然带着迷糊的个性生活着；不同的是，开始认识了不同背景，不同故事的朋友，开始了解这个世界并不是只有我一种人而已。

尝试了生活的酸甜苦辣，笑过，也大哭过。。。

听了朋友以前中学的故事，羡慕过，也同情过。。。

看了这部电影，也勾起了某些回忆，朋友的故事 。。。

好羡慕她，有位男生的回忆里永远有她的痕迹，苦涩及甜蜜的感觉，就算被封锁多年，偶尔还会莞尔而笑。。。

************************************************************************************

那些年，我好希望我是那位女孩，深深烙印在某位男生的脑海中。。。

霹雳与我

我或许真的和霹雳州有缘，不然现在的我也不用在这儿上班。

大学预科班，开始认识了霹雳的朋友；

大学的5年生活，室友来自霹雳州；

身边围绕了不少霹雳的朋友，从北至南。

足印踏过不少霹雳的地方：太平，怡保，江沙，爱大华，红土坎，安顺。。。

现在的我，为霹雳州的人民服务。

未来的我还会不会继续留在霹雳，或者落地生根？嗯。。。

如果，还有如果吗？

原来自己一直活在回忆当中。。。

今天的脑海不断浮现多年前的自己，当时的我们。。。

如果我没那么迟钝，我们会走到这一步吗？

如果我没那么冲动，我们还会在一起吗？

如果我明白你的用心，我们还会有分歧吗？

如果我选择早点沟通，我们会分隔两地吗？

大约还有4个小时，即将是我们的3周年纪念，可是，这一切再也无法继续下去了。。。

一切都是毁在我的手中。当年的情景及地点，只有你和我，你的承诺，全深深烙印在脑海中，许久无法忘怀。。。

如果可以，我想拥有4周年，10周年，20周年。。。

如果，还有如果吗？

Raya again!

It's Raya festival again! I just noticed I did not blog for quite sometime, since I start working in Hospital Taiping.

I never think that I will end up my Housemanship here, because I dun like to plan, will let my life be decided by the fate. Many people are curious why I don't fight for the best in my life. I did think of this problem, probably I am weak and less confident, dare not to fight. In the end, I am who I am now, a lowest grading houseman doctor in Malaysia. Should have start thinking of my future, at least 2 years later, but i am still in the crossroad, waiting for a guide...

God, please lead me to a correct way... :-P

Raya made me think of what happened for the last 3 years. A lot of changes, owns and losses as well.

I owned what I dreamt of 3 years ago, and then lost it this year.

Met an minor car accident last 2 years, safe.

Last year I spent raya in Perak, and also this year. The differences is I will be occupied with working life.

No matter what, I should be very grateful of what I have right now, at least I passed my university life and have a stable job now. Hope I can pass my O&G posting peacefully. Looking forward to my convo on October. :-P

无奈

一段感情没有绝对的是与非，这件事任何人都懂。。。

当你真正踏入一段感情，分手了，谁对谁错，没人可以定夺。。。

信任，体贴，曾经是我对你的承诺，我依然记得。。。

当年的我们是多么的畅所欲言，信任彼此；如今，你连话都懒得跟我讲，说是我无法了解你的思想。

我投入了那么深，你说我变了，不再是你的小女人。

你的大男人主义，曾是我仰慕的，最后也变成了我的恐惧。。。担心自己达不到你心目中的要求，使劲全力想要满足你的要求。你认为我没尽力，我无话可说了。

你生我的气，挂我电话，转头就走，可有想过另一头的我多么无助吗？

发生了种种意外，是我从没预料的。内疚十分，再道歉有用吗？是该找办法补救。。。不语，是为了让彼此冷静，你却认为我不诚恳，无心道歉，但那也不是我们俩想要的结果。

眼泪已落下了无数次，心扉一再而三的被刺痛。。。

无可否认，我也是糊涂。是我先变了？真的？还是你也变了？

你或许没错，是我们经不起考验。

我们不再沟通，任由误会产生越来越大。最后，彼此的忍耐极限到了，也是说再见的时候了。

期待已久的台湾之旅，却成了心碎之旅，无奈。。。

HIM

This is the first time I write about him, also will be the last time.

Ended a relationship of nearly 3 years, I know I am hurt. A lot of quarrels before this, but mostly I just can keep quiet. I was a coward, dare not to fight, no rights to do so too.

He is the man that I loved, I never have this kind of strong feeling before. I jump into it following my feeling, even though there were some discouragements. I thought I met the right person, who is suitable to me. Learnt a lesson, I tried to grab what I want and don't want give up.

Time flies, a lot of quarrels happened. 'Chances' were given once and once, the answers given were always:

'You never appreciate the chances...'

'We can't communicate anymore....'

'You are slow, brainless and passive...'

'If you continue like this, I will dump you...'

Who wouldn't feel hurt after listen to this? Anyone will understand my feelings? Anyone listen to my needs and wants? Tears dropped for countless times.. I have lost myself, my stands. Luckily I still have family and friends beside me right now.

Listening to love songs repeatly, learning the meaning of love.

Can't imagine when does my wound will heal completely, but for sure, it will have big and ugly scar deep inside my heart.

23岁后的自己

屈指一算，今天的我已经23岁又3个星期了。一直想在23岁生日当天让自己留下美好的回忆。恰好自己在妇科，有机会接生与自己同天生日的小生命，十分期待。人算不如天算，我还是吃了白果 ==

虽然如此，我总算过了美好的生日。拥有同学和朋友们的生日祝福，buddyline的生日礼物，到金河唱K，无数的生日蛋糕，让我在2010年的23岁生日划下了美好的句点。

又大了一岁，思维理论上也必须扩展了些。曾听说长大后，你将渐渐看清这社会的真面目。是的，我相信了。。。我不可再像之前那么无知了，该成长了。。。外面的世界充满了难题和人心险恶，应该武装自己，别再受伤了。。。

还有还有，祝我生日快乐~（虽然迟了3星期，:-P）但愿所许的愿望能实现。。。

爬山记

上个星期六，适逢全家人都在，心血来潮提议去Mengkuang Dam 水坝走走，顺便回味那儿的儿时回忆，爸爸却说不如去爬Tokun山吧！

清晨空气清新，一大早，山脚都有了不少人潮。遇见许多老伯伯，虽然上了年纪，身体健壮得很，健步如飞；不像我，只走了一小段距离，感觉有点疲惫，实在惭愧。亦有不少家庭，不管老或少，都有晨运的习惯。还有集体跳有氧操呢！

当然，软脚虾的我无法完成全部路程，只在乎欣赏风景。

绿油油的草原或茂盛的树林，配合小河及小瀑布，都是我梦想的理想养老环境。偶尔散步聊天，生活无比悠闲，犹如于古代隐居于世外桃源。数年前的一趟旅程，让我心目中已经有了一个选择。但愿该地在多年后仍然保持那份感觉。XD

My long holiday

Today is Raya, an important festival for all muslims... Thanks to Raya, I have the chance to enjoy my 1 week holiday. 1 week or 7 days are the most luxurious holiday for me, as I seldom go back hometown since clinical year due to my busy life.

I only reached home last Saturday after waiting the bus for hours. The night before I stayed overnight in obstetric ward and only able to sleep for about 2 hours. At Bukit Jalil bus station there, I don't care whether there was any bed for me, I took a nap by sitting on a chair under the hot weather, no matter how did the passerby will think about me. =.= On the bus, the 4 hours journey was like a short dream. Before I close my eyes, I was still in KL. It was just like within a second, I reached my hometown already. Can imagine how tired am I?

The next 2 days, I can label myself as a 'lazy worm' at home. Sleep, eat and sleep again. I told myself, I want to enjoy my holiday! Forget about the books, O&G or what...LOL.

I did spend 2 days in Perak, went to Ipoh and Ayer Tawar there. Shopping in Ipoh Parade and Jusco shopping centre. Watched 2 movies, it was just like a movie marathon.

After that, back to Penang and then walk walk at the island there. At the same time, we find any nice food around the island. Only discover how slow am I. We went to an apartment which I felt so familiar. Just near to USM campus, it is the apartment which I stayed about 4 years ago, when my Taiping friends came and we stayed there. No wonder I have some pieces of memory there. =.=

Had tried the famous cendol for tea and tasty seafood as our dinner, shopping in Queensbay Mall made my whole day so eventful (+stomach full, :-P)

The holiday is remaining 2days more. I shd ENJOY the REST and also Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri!

寂寞寂寞就好

Hebe田馥甄的第2主打歌：寂寞寂寞就好，一听之下，感觉更爱上这首歌了。

还是原来那个我 不过流掉几公升泪所以变瘦
对着镜子我承诺 迟早我会换这张脸一对笑容
不算什么 爱错就爱错
早点认错 早一点解脱

我寂寞寂寞就好 这时候谁都别来安慰拥抱
就让我一个人去痛到 受不了伤到快疯掉 死不了就还好
我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用来我回忆里微笑
我就不相信我会笨到 忘不了赖着不放掉
人本来就寂寞的 借来的都该还掉

还是原来那个你 是我自己做梦你又改变什么
再多的爱也没用 每个人有每个人的业障因果
会有什么 什么都没有
早点看破 才看的见以后

我寂寞寂寞就好 这时候谁都别来安慰拥抱
就让我一个人去痛到 受不了伤到快疯掉 死不了就还好
我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用来我回忆里微笑
我就不相信我会笨到 忘不了赖着不放掉
人本来就寂寞的 我总会把你戒掉

喜欢那句‘早点看破，才看得见以后’。大多数，我们总太执着于某件事或物，以致我们总在原地里踏步，没有前进。就算未来多么的美好，痛苦的回忆限制了脚步。就如同歌词所表达的意义，人本来就寂寞的，总需要把它戒掉：活出自己的色彩，生活应该七彩缤纷（采嫔），嘻嘻！

P/S: 我想预购《TO HEBE》这张专辑！！！！

Burnout Syndrome

最近看见了一篇星洲日报的报导，标题是：

过度消耗精力未老先衰，年轻人易患燃尽综合症（Burnout syndrome）

“燃尽綜合症一般是指在职場上，由於工作要求与个人能力不对称，压力过大，久而久之到达崩潰点。严重的话，还会引起心脏疾病、糖尿病，甚至是自杀傾向。”

“隨着更多女性投身职場，出現燃尽綜合症的女性比男性还多。”

看完这篇报导，心里难免担心了起来。看来我也是频临面对同样问题。

踏入大学第五年，生活压力堆积如山。昔日的笑容被藏在口袋，鲜少挂在脸上；三餐不定时，总爱喝大量咖啡因饮料；无法做自己喜欢的事，牺牲了与家人相处或朋友社交的时间；睡眠时间亦被打扰，虽然有足够睡眠，早上却觉得累，起床困难；時常疲累不堪或感觉被压垮。

我不要，不愿意，也不想！该让自己重新蜕变了。。。

Friendster vs Facebook

Suddenly have the mood to log in my friendster account, which is abondaned for a long time after existance of facebook. Found a lot of memories there, no matter good or bad.

Friendster could be my first personal account in the world of internet as I am a technology iodit. Since then, I was addicted to this website because I could connect to my current and also old friends. Spent hours and hours logging in just to reply and send messages, viewing friends' photo, and also get the latest informations about my friends.

Thanks to Friendster who enables me to make friends from other courses and different background. Some of them became part of my life before and really almost changed my life.

Internet world updates rapidly and soonly it was replaced by facebook. Days by days, everyone seems have forgotten friendster.

'Add my facebook ya~' it is the template for most of young people right now.

Even my friends or doctors also advice us to spend more time on real 'BOOK' instead of FACEBOOK! ==lll

Ok lo, I admit I can't survive without internet or facebook. Addicted to facebook games before, posted a lot of crap there. Quote from what my friend said: 'My purpose posting status on facebook is not to announce to whole world. Facebook is my own pathway of releasing my tension. That's all.'

Cool...

LOVE!

我的偶像，田馥甄 （HEBE）终于将推出个人专辑了！超支持她！LOVE！^^

Strong-minded?

I was asked by a MO (who is also our UM senior) of what specialty I interested in recently. I answered him the truth that I am considering towards the pathway of a psychiatrist.

'Hmm...' He quiet then.

'Do you have strong mind and not easily influenced by other people?' He asked.

This short and sweet question really went deep into my heart. YA, I admit that I am not strong-minded enough and may influenced by others.

'If ya, then I do not encourge you to be a psychiatrist.'

Hmmm...... Should I listen to his advices? If I do, I am influenced by external sources AGAIN. If I don't, will I make a wrong choice in the future? LOL.. (However, it is not definitely that I want to be in psychological medicine in future. Time will change. )

梁静茹-第三者

喜欢听音乐，靠音乐来填补生活的枯燥。

悲伤情歌，却成了我的最爱。无他，只是某些歌词感动了我。

情歌小天后梁静茹，有好几首歌，触动我内心，那旋律，那歌词，甜美的歌声，常盘旋脑海中。

开始变得感性了，懂得在看电影时留下眼泪，听见贴切的旋律及歌词会被感动。

我想，这就是副修‘爱情’这堂课后的成长吧！

最爱歌曲之一，

梁静茹-第三者：

你的話我曉得

無論你說得多麼溫和

某一些難解的隔閡

把愛傷害了那多不值得

沒什麼好怪的

我已經乏力繼續拉扯

沒有誰非愛誰不可

就算變心了也非罪不可赦

她只是最最無辜的第三者

就算她消失此刻　告訴我能得回什麼呢

責怪她又憑什麼呢

她只是無意闖入的第三者

我們之間的困難　在她出現之前就有了

雖然我憤怒但是我明白的

把過錯讓她去背著　那是不對的

Hey女孩你聽著

所有愛情都有競爭者

我不妒忌你們快樂

雖然我人生因此有曲折

他還是不錯的

我們的選擇不是巧合

你用青春大膽假設

我去將失去活成一種獲得

实说，我超爱听，这是一首很好听的歌曲^^，值得推荐。

Valcano and Me

I am very sorry if I suddenly become low mood or irritable.

From the view of Psychiatry, if those symptoms persists for a long time, I could be diagnosed as depression or bipolar symptoms.

But my mood changes happen in cyclical patterns, which I think it's mostly caused by hormonal changes in my body. A friend of mine said that girls have a lot of excuses when they are low mood, but would not blame on their anger management. :-P

Thinking back properly, it is quite reasonable if I blame my irritable on the hormones because it really happens on certain periods only. On the other time I still able to control of myself not to too emo. Even though some people would act emo beside me, I will try to suppress myself using my EQ. But if this occurs on my 'hormonal' period, I will keep quiet only or act more emo that usual. That's usually out of my control.

I was told before:

You are just like a 'sleeping valcano', quiet most of the time, no much damaging properties. BUT there would be one day that the valcano will burst out. During that time, nobody could predict how bad was the consequences.

Erm... true also.

She used a very suitable example to describe me. I could be very terrible when I am out of control, if the stimulants are super X100000 serious and irritate me so much.

Can't believe that there was a 'valcano' in Malaysia. Until now, it is still sleeping and hope it will become 'dead valcano'. :-P

‘人’

借问有谁有资格评论某人的品格？父母？长辈？

最近看了一部连续剧，里头有这么一句：

‘人’是最难写的汉字，无论你怎么写都会不好看。那是因为我们对每件事情的看法都不一样，但人性本善，懂得道德礼仪，提升自己的修养，让我们做人不难看。

每个人都不一样，看的东西也不一样，这点笔者超级认同。简单的一撇一捺，背后竟隐藏了如此重大的道理。^.^

三字经也记载：‘人之初，性本善；性相近，习相远’。

后天的栽培，远比先天的天赋影响甚远。虽出自同父同母，亲兄弟也会有差异之分。见过的人，事，物，可以影响及左右我们的决定，思想。经历过的好坏经验，可以成为我们的借镜，让我们不会再次陷入困境。

我活了快23岁，我是不是一位好人？

Chubby face

Sometimes I do hope that I have anorexia nervosa, so that I can lose down my body weight.

I have gained weight alot since Chinese New Year until now. Strictly, I never have slim body. >.<>'Thin', 'Slim'those words never happen on me.

It was one day that I looked back my old photo since 4 years back and compare to the recent one, I found out my face become more chubby. The muscles (or fat) on my face never say bye bye to me, if yes, it was just temporary.

There were evidences that my chubby face never get away..T.T

2006:

2008:

The easiest explaination for this is because I hardly to control my appetite and diet everyday. I can't survive without rice as my main dishes. My favourite foods are mainly consisted of oily, salty and high sugar content food. And I do not exercise often. High food intake plus low metabolism causes the sugar converted into fat and stored in my body. They hide at my waist, hips and face, but they never grow up at the 'supposed parts' of my body.

With lack of determination, there is a crazy thinking that if I have anorexia nervosa and did not eat much everyday, I may achieve my ideal body weight within a short time. However, what can cause I have nervosa? I strongly understand that this is totally bad idea and it is also one kind of psychiatry problems. I just think, not going to do it, ok?

Childhood memories

Yesterday night I dreamt about my childhood, my kindergarden time. I did not have much clear memory of that period. What I can remember was just in pieces, it needs effort to join them all. However, my kindergarden teachers, I would not able forget them at all.

I started my formal education in a small kindergarden in Mak Mandin, Butterworth. That time I had not moved to my current house yet. It was the only kindergarden available during that time, I think. Many kids were sent there to study. The specialties of my kindergarden are we did not have formal uniform. I still remember the dialect we used was Hokkien. Awaresome right? Thankful that I still able to talk in Hokkien and proud of that.

There were 3 teachers during that time. The most 'popular' among students was our English teacher. Actually I don't know her real name, but everyone keeps calling her 'teacher'. She is one of my classmates' mother, in which her son become my childhood best friends after that. She is fierce and strict. We are afraid of her, but sometime will talk behind of her. I am glad that she was nice to me during that time and I became her favourite student. Years later, I knew from my mother that teacher told her that she likes me so much, because I was obedient, not like her own son, which was a naughty boy. ^^

张老师,teacher's sister, she taught us Mandarin. Although she have some deformity, but she was a nice teacher. At least she was not too fierce and patient enough. I can't recall any event that she scolded students. People said all tall building must have good basic. I was able to communicate well in Mandarin now, her contributions should not be wiped off. Hope that she can rest well in heaven now because she had passed away a few years ago. Thank you so much, 张老师。

There was another 李老师，in my memory, she taught us Mathematics. She was also another kind teacher, with full of patience. I like her so much too.

There was an annual sports day in the kindergarden, which was a big event to me last time. We were arranged into 4 or 5 groups according to colour: red, yellow, green, blue and white. And as I remembered, green team was always the big winner, which I was one of member in that team, hehe. Although the prizes given were just stationary, I kept them as the most important presents and not willing to use them.

There were lots of good memories in my childhood and I feel bad of myself because of my poor memory capability. Hope that I can enjoy again my stressless and joyful childhood time.

Sing K and Memories

I had gone to sing K with 3 of my friends last week, the day before my psychiatry long case examination. The last time I went to sing K was 3 months ago, when I celebrated my beloved bf's birthday in Greenbox.

Honestly, I do not have nice voice and nerd in rhythm, although I was member of Choir team before. I do not know how do I survive last time. =.= Everytime I go for Karaokae, my main purpose is only for the buffet there and my main job is to help ordering the songs. I am shy to sing in front of many people.

However, I do enjoy the time hanging out with friends, which made me feel warm and not lonely. I am kind of people who scare of alone, maybe due to lack of self-esteems and self-confidence. (which I suspect I have dependent personality disorder before)

The time I first time sing K was at 2006, in Gurney plaza, Penang. The memory was still fresh in my mind, with lots of my friends from KMK. Maybe it was because of weekdays and they do not have many bussiness, we can extend the time without any extra charges. We only left after we sang till our voice was almost finished and died off. Really enjoyable during that time, although I did not sing much too.

For my last singK experience, we sang from about 9pm till 2am in the midnight, after we are exhausted and almost freezed there. The service boy still did not have the intention to want us leave yet, so we extended our time AGAIN!! I almost forgot about my long case examination on the next day, lol. The songs were repeated and repeated a few times. Some of songs were chosen just to watch the MV, not for the purpose of singing too. haha...

Although I said I am shy to sing, but it does not mean I do not sing at all. I prefer guys songs and also some sad love songs. Some of Fish Leong's songs are my favourite, for the rhythm and also lyric. 第三者，会呼吸的痛... Btw, my favourite singer still is SHE. Just those songs can calm down my mood sometimes and bring up some memories. :-P

That's the photo of 3 pretty girls in the K box on that night. Special thanks to Len Young, our photographer. ^^